Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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