I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
me + whiskey = a bad person
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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