I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
