Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
