my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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