Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
