whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
