Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
