Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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