just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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