Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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