I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
