dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
