My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
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After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
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The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
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True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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