this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Randomize
