ya dads aren't the best wingmen
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
