I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
