we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
