thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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