Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
