so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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