He uses pillows to masturbate.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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