she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i drank out of a bidet.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
