I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
dude. I can hear the air.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
