i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
