Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
