Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
