based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
