my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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