I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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