trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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