Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
