the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
