I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
