turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
