if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
