sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
