margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
