you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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