Someone shit on the floor
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
