I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
