I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
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I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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