OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Randomize
