Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
