there's paper in my vomit.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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