his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The best revenge is premature balding
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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