morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
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