I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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