if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
