Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
