I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
