I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
