I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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