Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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