I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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