For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Pooping to opera.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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