Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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