i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
