i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
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he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
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When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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