The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
