I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
